Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
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I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
North and South
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill