[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
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I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
A Match(.com), but for socks.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!