I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
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Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
The honesty is refreshing
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.