Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
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As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.