[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
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*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands