I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
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my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
We’ve all been there…
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.