[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
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and now we wait
🤣dope
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Practicing safe sax
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
sounds kinky. i’m in.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN