I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
You Might Also Like
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
We have a winner.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me