My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
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3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
twitter is a journey
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
BaD BoY!!