Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
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It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
This came to me in a dream.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up