*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
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I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste