[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
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Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Just how popey was the pope today?
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I can’t be the only one 😂
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
#Caturday
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?