PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
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Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.