KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
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Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?