I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
You Might Also Like
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Lmao the reply
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Weirdos gonna weird.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Gods work.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?