Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
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Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Doug is just Canadian for dog
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me