those birds must be on payroll
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I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
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Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary