I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
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I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”