I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
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Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
happy friday
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Ghost costume 😂
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.