Ion see the issue
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“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
calling in to work dehydrated
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again