I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
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uncle dave has been through hell
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.