Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
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All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I bet
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
My safe word is Worcestershire
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.