If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
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Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Saw your ex at the shops
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.