*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
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I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Every damn time
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote