Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
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Rt to bother an English speaker
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I’ve been drinking.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied