What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
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When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos