Classic German Shepherd 😂
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pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
😂💯
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.