This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
You Might Also Like
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.