Seals are just dog mermaids.
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My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
absolutely not
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s