“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
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Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.