if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
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Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
What about a To-Don’t List?