[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
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[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness