*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
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Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
men are simple creatures
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I think the cat got the dog high.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder