If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
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My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Canât a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I canât a remember and a voice they donât listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Feels
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
her: my parents are gone đ
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
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[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
TV meteorologist: âAnd now itâs time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssstâ
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: Whatâs the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET