garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
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I’m an avid indoorsman.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I feel it
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
The game has officially changed 😎
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫