“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
You Might Also Like
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.