This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
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Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Terribly Tuesday.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.