Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
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One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”