The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
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*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.