Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
You Might Also Like
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
The “baby” on the left….
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Simple enough.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time