Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.