Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
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My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
*cough*
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.