Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
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Room with a view.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Never be a pizza!
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes