Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
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Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information