If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
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I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”