Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
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[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?