[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
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Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
This was my dad’s browser history.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably