My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
You Might Also Like
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.