If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
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*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”