10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
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Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier: